Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please