I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。