We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault