[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
a lot to unpack here
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her