“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Meow
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude