They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go