ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fidel Castro was alive?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Cause of death: Zumba
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.