Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Phonetics
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.