After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
From my Mom