Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I love it all
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Tuesday
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days