May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
You Might Also Like
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it