FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle