Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.