[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Uh oh…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.