I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Monday