Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me trying to look natural in photos
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?