Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!