Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You Might Also Like
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Europe. Made in Germany.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
12653.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.