Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
me and the Superbowl rn
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals