Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My plans: 2020:
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.