If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
remember
only for emergencies
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.