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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do