My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.