WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
This is a sub tweet
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.