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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.