Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Happy birthday to all the women
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.