It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
They’re called werewolves.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store