1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
a lot to unpack here
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.