A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
(yawn)
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.