Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
No. He’s not coming out to play
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked