Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
How I’d get arrested…
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.