[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
giddy up Office Depot
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.