Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there