If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.