They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
inside you are two wolves
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“what that mouth do?” complain
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text