Had an epiphany today.
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I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Siri, fight Alexa.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Hero horse inspires millions
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
he was correct
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…