*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom