I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.