Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I only eat vegetarians.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]