DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Love this guy
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.