Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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それは草
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Happy Taco Tuesday
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons