I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Nose
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Sending in my taxes
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask