Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Favourite diary entry ever
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy