If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Cannot stop laughing at this
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.