These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.