Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off