National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
synchronized noseblowing
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?