This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
You got this…
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss