Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not