“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.